Down Time

Well, as I sit here at the BSC during what should be my Music Theory class (stupid furlough day). I sit on a couch with a friend, and his friends, without a wallet to speak of. I want to be playing pool, but alas I was a complete moron. So now I am left here with thoughts, pure psychotic ideas. I start thinking about how hard it is to connect with people here. Everyone is so cold, and singularly involved in their own lives. One can only be so friendly in life. But it doesnt seem to matter. So I continue to sit here all alone, waiting patiently for a friendly face though I know one is not coming. I miss being connected to people. I miss having someone to hang out with. Most of all, I miss my friends.

Another Personal Post...

Well, its 2:30 am and I cant sleep. Its the usual reason. I worked and am still worked up. Not that that make any sense but why the hell should I care? What is on my mind tonight. Friends. Two in particular. Trisha and Jonathan. Ah Trisha. I would seriously go to hell and back to help you. There is nothing I wouldnt do if you asked. And sadly enough, I know you wouldnt do the same. Im not mad, or upset. Im being realistic. You are never going to see me as your best friend. You never have. Im just the guy you go to when Jonathan makes you mad, or you have really no other options. Im never going to mean as much as Jon does to you. Ive always wondered what it was about me that wasnt good enough. He is a great guy. He is my best friend as well. But if he isnt directly related to something in your life, he probably wont want to help you with it. He is very internally focused. He is a wonderful guy, just not good in that area. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be good enough for you. I will always lack that one thing. I have no idea what it is, but I know I dont have it. Im always trying to be there for you, though you wont let me in, and when you give me those chances, I never say the right things. I was never any good with my words. None of my actions will ever really mean anything. And I am fine with that. I am content to continue being there for you, when you feel like letting me. This isnt meant to be directed as an attack on you, Trisha. But its something I have wrestled with for years. And I may never understand why, but its ok. There are plenty of things I dont understand.

This was a selfish post, but I am hardly ever selfish and this strangely felt pretty good.