So Much To Talk About.

Its been awhile since I last sat down to write in this blog of mine. And as such, I have a crap load to talk about.

Number 1: I have a girlfriend now. She makes me happier than I have been in a very long time. Funny thing...... we met on the bus. Yeah thats right. On the big twinkie that takes students home each day. Sophomore year we met, as I continued to make a complete ass out of myself in order to make others laugh. She laughed, then immediately turned away. I figured either I was just too embarrassing or she was shy. So over time, day after day, we got to know each other to become good acquaintances and on first name bases. After that year. She started driving. And I saw her every once in awhile. Saying hi when I could. Then fast forward to after graduation. We added each other on Facebook, and started talking again. The rest is history. As of right now we have been together about... 3 weeks I think. She is everything I could want in a girlfriend. Before this, I had always thought I would die alone. I went to a mostly Asian school, so I was always going to be different. In high school, different doesnt usually attract girls. But I found someone, someone I love, and that is all that matters.

Number 2: Im finally 18. Not that it really matters to my parents. They have not let up on their iron fisted control of my life. Im working and going to school, yet apparently I dont act maturely enough to be trusted with going out late and such. So I guess until I move out, I dont really get to be 18. Whatever, I can keep it together for now.

Well thats all for now. Im happy, for the first time in a long time. And it feels remarkably good. Until next time kids, stay out trouble.

Down Time

Well, as I sit here at the BSC during what should be my Music Theory class (stupid furlough day). I sit on a couch with a friend, and his friends, without a wallet to speak of. I want to be playing pool, but alas I was a complete moron. So now I am left here with thoughts, pure psychotic ideas. I start thinking about how hard it is to connect with people here. Everyone is so cold, and singularly involved in their own lives. One can only be so friendly in life. But it doesnt seem to matter. So I continue to sit here all alone, waiting patiently for a friendly face though I know one is not coming. I miss being connected to people. I miss having someone to hang out with. Most of all, I miss my friends.

Another Personal Post...

Well, its 2:30 am and I cant sleep. Its the usual reason. I worked and am still worked up. Not that that make any sense but why the hell should I care? What is on my mind tonight. Friends. Two in particular. Trisha and Jonathan. Ah Trisha. I would seriously go to hell and back to help you. There is nothing I wouldnt do if you asked. And sadly enough, I know you wouldnt do the same. Im not mad, or upset. Im being realistic. You are never going to see me as your best friend. You never have. Im just the guy you go to when Jonathan makes you mad, or you have really no other options. Im never going to mean as much as Jon does to you. Ive always wondered what it was about me that wasnt good enough. He is a great guy. He is my best friend as well. But if he isnt directly related to something in your life, he probably wont want to help you with it. He is very internally focused. He is a wonderful guy, just not good in that area. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be good enough for you. I will always lack that one thing. I have no idea what it is, but I know I dont have it. Im always trying to be there for you, though you wont let me in, and when you give me those chances, I never say the right things. I was never any good with my words. None of my actions will ever really mean anything. And I am fine with that. I am content to continue being there for you, when you feel like letting me. This isnt meant to be directed as an attack on you, Trisha. But its something I have wrestled with for years. And I may never understand why, but its ok. There are plenty of things I dont understand.

This was a selfish post, but I am hardly ever selfish and this strangely felt pretty good.

The Quanderies of Everyday Life: Love

This is a random set of thoughts I am about to express, so be prepared.

It seems this observation caught me unawares in traffic this afternoon. Nothing could have prepared me for this random ass thought. While sitting for the token red light (the one that is green for a total of 0 people while the total population of California waits for it to change). Two cars passed me by at this light. One couple and one single girl. The girl was on my right, the couple on my left. Now the couple's car was freaking eerie to look at. They were both facing straight ahead not talking, I couldn't even tell if they were breathing. And sadly enough, the single girl didn't look any happier. But then a funny thing happened, the guy (who wasn't driving) leaned over and kissed his girl friend. Now it just so happens, that the single girl and I both looked over and saw this simple gesture. And then we looked at each other. And we both were smiling.

Then this popped into my brain. This one gesture, one little indirect gesture, turned my day around. That my friends, is the power of love. :]

Healthscare: My first look

Well, a new war has erupted in this torn and beaten country of ours. Healthcare, public or private?
Personally, I think we should have started public healthcare a decade ago. But hell, what do I know? According to the GOP radicals, I have now become a socialist. Well if so, they can bite my white socialist ass.

Lets look at the facts. Our country is in a horrible economic situation, due to our governments lack of responsibility in its spending habits. Not only in the government is hurting right now. The unemployment rate is higher than in the past 20 years, and we are headed down hill. Many have no money to pay for healthcare. Now is the time to give them an affordable option.

Now to address those who believe all the propaganda. There are no death panels, social agendas, plans to destroy the private companies, or evil plots. So stop with the retarded outbursts. Grow up. Why would the government choose to kill old people? Seriously, I cant begin to think of one good reason.

We should redirect some of that wonderful military money to this program. As well as education and all the other parts of the budget that have become sadly underfunded. But that is just what I think.

Well, now I trust you have your own view on this issue. I do not wish to offend you. Unless you are nuts. Then I have no trouble with that. :P

Oh and hi megan. xD

Well, here I go again.

College life is less than a week away. I am of two thoughts on this matter. Obviously I am excited to start, this summer has been a long one. At the same time, I and a little wary of the responsibilities I am about to take on.

Who will I meet? Will they be good people? Will I be able to handle this?

All these things whirl around in my mind. But in all seriousness, no matter how much I worry, it wont make a difference, so I have resolved to calm down and go with the flow.

Perhaps I should use that to blanket my everyday activities. I dunno, but for now I really dont need to.

An Introverted Look.

Now for all of you who happen to find this blog, or those who see this via my profile I can assure you, this is a warning to stop reading if you want to.

Perhaps the last post I made was a tad overstated. Perhaps I am too hard on myself. This is the result of years of self loathing, but now I am ready for a change.
What am I? Helpful.... or at least I try to be. I try to be understanding and caring. I tend to fail miserably at this, but I try. I have ruined relationships when I try too hard. Ive tried to be the cool guy. That turned out being worse than the trying to hard to care.
Now for those of you who kept reading and are genuinely interested in what I am saying, I can assure you that anything you need I will help you. Now for you all thinking I am a douche for putting this in my blog, I apologize if my thoughts offend you and direct you to the top right corner of this window.
So if you do not understand me, in a nutshell, I care too much. Not in a stalker-ish way..... but in a friendly way. I am always the first to help if you ask. And I never abandon friends. Im super sarcastic and I tend to be abrasive at times. Oh and I am a undercover idealist....... im still working on what that means.....
Well that covers it, and the next post I do will be not about myself... but some hypocritical part of our society and the times in which we live. So for now, I bid you farewell.

Well, on my way home I sat and thought about myself. What is the word I would use to describe myself? Disgrace. To put this simply I loathe myself. Now this is not a plea for help. But I have hidden from this for too long.
Now those I am close with tell me I have some redeeming qualities. But in all truth, I am not special. I am not equipped to handle life and prosper on this earth. I have not really achieved much in my short life and I find that life now has become quite meaningless. There is really no reason I get up each day. I have a job, one I really do not exceed at. My co-workers find me annoying, and they are absolutely right. Who am I now, the person typing this completely pointless rant is no longer any good. If I am to be worth anything, I simply must give myself up. Perhaps that is what is expected of me.
I also find this planned life I am on is ridiculous. I am really no good at anything, and I do not have the basic skills to go understand my major. So in reality its going to be paying for the ability to say I am not a total loser. To be able to say I have done something after high school. I should stop looking for love as well, because its not out there. Not for me anyway. Why torture myself with this dreamt-up ideal? I must also stop putting so much faith that everything with be better in college, because it is bullshit. Nothing will be different, and I will continue to just get by unnoticed as I always have.
And to all those who happen to read this, I apologize this wont happen again.

Aging Apart

As one grows older, one finds a crossroads. One leads along that path you have been on, the other is one with only enough space for you to travel. You turn to your parents, the ones who have loved you and cared for you, and you seem to have to choose between them and yourself.

It has to be the hardest choice. And it does not simply happen quickly, it takes time. Every second burdened with that choice is a weight on the soul. It starts slow, when you do not always appear downstairs for the shows you used to watch. Then it goes to the movies, when you see stuff with friends rather than parents.

Your parents will hint at it, subtly waiting for a response. All you can do is stand there and feel like the worst child ever conceived. But you cant have both. You can try for moderation, but if the parents hold on, you can only be trapped. Most take the path of individuality, and some continue along with their parents. But the choice is the worst....

Perhaps Its Just Me....

This world, as I am exposed to it day after day, sheds its disguise and reveals its ultimately superficial nature. Perhaps I have become what I dread, the cynic without a reason, but as I see it, we humans are not the moral compasses we attempt to emulate.

Friends, are people who are kind to you when convenient. Empathy is the fake emotion we put out, like a barrier, to hide the true and inadequate attempts at the understanding of others. Knowledge is the lie you tell yourself to protect yourself from what you do not really understand. Love, was once a genuine connection of two or more people. Now it has decayed into a superficial symbol of moral obligation.

What is my problem you ask? Why am I so "messed up"? Because the more I seem to try, the harder this world cruelly beats me down into another period of obedience. My bones will not seem to mend any longer, the cuts do not heal but flow freely now. The pain has become an old friend, the one thing I could always count on to stick around.

So here I sit after a two month absence, sitting in a pool of self loathing. At least its warm.

The Conundrum of Friendship

How reliable of a friend can you really be if you cannot seem to control your life? How reliable is the word of a messed up person?

Giving advice, is what I do. Or at least try to do, although perhaps I should stop since my life is in horrible shape. When you are the friend who solves problems, who do you then go to? Who can help you if you are the only one that helps at all?

Some don't go to anyone, they push everyone away to clear the blast radius for when they emotionally explode. Others, silently suffer until they find someone to help them. Others, merely ignore their problems, instantly curing them of the disease.

When all you do is help, is that a friendship, or are you the cleaning crew? When nobody seems to understand, what then? Are there answers to any of the questions I ask? Maybe, maybe not. That is for you to figure out.

What is "attractive"?

What are girls really looking for?
They say they look for a guy who cares, or matches whatever fictional character they happen to be into. But what is it.

I have seen so many nice girls date COMPLETE a-holes. Is it the bad boy aspect? Is it the excitement? Or do girls enjoy being treated like dirt most of the time?

Do you girls really know what an exciting relationship is? Exciting is when you have no flipping idea what he is gonna do next. Today he could be all happy and nice. Tomorrow, he breaks the horrible news to you that he has an STD. Don't you find that exciting?

Maybe you girls are trying to have fun before finding that "nice" (boring) guy and getting married. So what happens to the nice guys? Do they have to wait till they are about 25 to 30 before anyone wants to date them? How unbelievably messed up is that?

What is it about the bad boy? Because everyone knows the guy who spent sometime in Juvenile Hall is the best of boy friends. And yes, he might be able to protect you, but he might also steal money from you to buy drugs.

Maybe I am ranting, and not being fair. And I apologize to all those offended, but nice guys need some love too.

"Sorry"

The word "sorry" has lost all credibility in today's world. When you say, "I'm sorry" to somebody, the person rarely believes you. And, sadly, the English language lacks a stronger phrase for "I'm sorry".

Why is it that this word, that is supposed to represent to regret and repentance that you feel towards a specific subject, has lost its value? I believe we use it too much, and with little feeling. However, when someone does say sorry and actually means it, the person or group that the apology is directed towards blow it off.

So now, according to society, you can be sorry but nobody will believe you and the word is still to retain its ideal value. Maybe there should be a stronger phrase, because just adding a "so" in your apology wont cut it. Perhaps we have become a world more focused on action than feeling and expression through words. It is a sad thing to consider.

Stress And Its Symptoms

This is a topic that everyone over the age of about 15 will understand. The intolerable and inescapable parasite, we call stress. Not only does stress have its own physical signs, breakouts and a general disheveled look, but it also takes a gigantic toll on our mind.

But I am not here to talk about the signs, but the causes. The society we currently live in is the most stressful in history. Why, do you ask? Because of all those wonderful sources of stimulus. We are always busy. And not being busy either makes you lonely or gives you an awkward feeling. Has the need to constantly be on the go been ingrained into us genetically? What happened to just chilling? Now, to chill, you might need weed to calm you enough to sit still. We have things to do at school, work, home, with friends, for fun, so that you do not look bad for not doing something.

Perhaps society as a whole should take a nap. A world wide nap. So that everyone can relax for at least an hour. Or maybe we set aside an hour where, all business stops, work stops, and all your responsibilities can float away for awhile. What you do is your choice. And maybe you are thinking to yourself, is this guy completely retarded? What is he smoking? Maybe my idea is far fetched but if we do not watch it, Stress will eat us alive. Oh, wow. I just made being stressed stressful. >< ;

Maybe I need a break....

Unattainable perfection

What is it about people (girls in particular) that make them chase after the perfect person. Do they not comprehend the word perfect? That it is something almost always not in existence. When it comes to matters of the heart, perfect is relative. But everyday you see a billboard or advertisement for a product with a picture of some idealized " perfect person" using it. So for all of us who do not fit that image, does the product just not work for us? Are we unworthy?

So, the next time you think someone is okay but not as good looking as you would have hoped, maybe their personality makes up for it. Just a stupid thought, nobody follows it anyways....

The Power Of Words

Whoever it was who said that the pen is mightier than the sword was a genius. What he or she forgot to say however, is that the sword usually ends what the pen starts. When stupid people say something moronic and people actually listen to them, all the swords come out.
Words are the most powerful tool known to mankind. They can save millions and destroy millions. Words are neither completely good nor evil. That is why they are the only true unbiased tool. The bias they present is the users. Words are tools that adapt to match their master. So the next time someone says something stupid, realize how serious it really is.
The only escape from literal disaster is sarcasm. Saying something and meaning something else is useful, but only when you know the other person will understand. Our former president was sarcastic thinking America would understand, and since he was wrong, look what happened.
The only thing I wish for is the ability to know the intent of the words said, it would make understanding easier. Less war as well.

Emotional Illusions

Maybe I am being pessimistic, however, this topic has been rolling around in my skull for some time.

Is what you feel always what is actually happening? When you feel that fluttering in your chest, does it mean what you think it means? You could be feeling you stomach growl for all you know, but you let something unrelated become your significant sign of emotional dependence.
When you feel upset about something, are you sure that the emotion you feel is not a suppressed emotion that was triggered by an unrelated event? How we as people, supposed to interpret things that we can barely begin to comprehend?
What is the reason for our constant misunderstandings? Our overwhelming need to attack the irrational with rational thought. When something cannot be put it a logical thought, why the heck do we feel the need to make it fit into a logical explanation? It merely distorts the original feelings that we were struggling to understand.
As people who say we are trying to understand and learn about everything around us, perhaps we should focus inward to figure ourselves out first.

The Hidden Motive

When you speak with someone, you will usually ask this of the other person or have it asked of you. "how was your day?"

Now, you will usually reply with an "ok" or a "fine" and return the favor or wait for the favor to be returned. This is not the eternal response. You might have had a terrible day or maybe a fantstic day. If not one of those two, that is how it will happen.
But there are some who become irritated when you do not say more than that casual responce. They apparently want more because either they want more details or they think you are lying.
What exactly is wrong with that responce? Just because it is "boring" does not make it any less true. So if we have a conversation some day and I say, "fine" when asked that loaded question and you become upset, i appoligize my life is not as entertaining as you had hoped it would be.
This now streches to another point, why is it that people feel the need to be entertained? Finding something to do is not THAT hard. Instant gratifacation has effectively infiltrated our society and taken hold. Maybe being bored is an activity? Think about that when you have nothing to do.

The Good Guy Needs A Break....

Where in the heck did the saying, "Guys guys finish last" come from? Its most vulgar and malicious saying I have ever heard short of cursing. Why is that he has to lose? He is the good guy. He is portrayed as a model for others, yet he has to lose? How does that make any sense? Is it because the other guy, obviously the "Bad Guy", cheated and got a head start. Or maybe people just naturally need to lower others to elevate themselves. That is a bleak look on humanity, but perhaps is more accurate than some care to acknowledge.

Maybe it is our own insecurities that cause the colder half of our Psyche to emerge. The Good Guy represents an unattainable goal for some. And the sheer magnitude of the the task required to reach his hypothetical level of social status is extremely daunting. Even so, society should shoot higher and miss every once in awhile instead of lowering the bar to make sure everyone can reach it. Because eventually the bar will break.

To Help A Friend...

This post is more personal than usual, so you have been warned.

I am the sort of person who gives everything up for a friend. Now this can be characterized as sweet or stupid. I do not care what it is though, because the joy on another persons face is worth more than gold. Then I got to thinking, how is it people use other people like trash? I cannot comprehend that sort of behavior. What is it that causes you to be that way? Is it a traumatic child hood, loneliness, or is it just natural for some.

Now that I had reached that last conclusion, it lead to "maybe its natural for everyone and we change and mature out of it." So now I have this highly pessimistic view of us as a species. Perhaps I am over analyzing this characteristic of humans, but it is important to me. And if none of this post made any sense, I apologize.

How Quickly Things Can Change

When I look back now at the last 4 years, remembering all those things that will probably be misinterpreted in future history books, I realize how nice it really was. The economy was strong and growing, the government was being stupid but it was hilarious to watch, the election where the democratic party failed to find a candidate who could defeat Bush and its sad irony. It was a good time, happy for most and there was no problems on the horizon.
Now I see how bad it can get in a short amount of time. The economy is flat lining, the government is in for some good change but miracles are rare in politics, and people now look at the future with dismay and pessimism. How radically will it shift in the next four years, we will have to wait and see.

When The Connection Gets Unplugged

When is it that people can put aside their own problems to talk to another? If you want to help someone out in regards to their problems and you are so close to the edge you might just slip at anytime, what are you supposed to say? When you want so badly to cry like a child and just hide away somewhere, how is it that you are supposed to help someone who may be better off than you are? Trying is a good first step. Its the thought that counts, and if they do not see that then they are not worth your time.
Everybody's problems are unique but it seems like people have to try and trump somebody with bigger problems. Its like a messed up version of the biggest loser. Does having the most issues make you cool? Does being brought up in a ghetto with a severe lack of parental guidance make you better than someone else? Sure it gives you life experiences, but not any that any rational person would want.
Perhaps if we stopped exclaiming our own problems and focused our efforts on alleviating the problems of another, then world would be nicer. And some smarter politicians with some balls wouldn't hurt either.

Laughter Really Is All Its Cracked Up To Be

What is it about sharing a laugh with someone else or making someone laugh that can cure the heart of any hurt it is experiencing? It is the purist and lightest feeling when you laugh. It is pure, real, and simple. Now in society, people do not laugh enough. Or they choose to be offended by everything. Maybe if people could laugh at themselves and everyone else, the world would be a better place. And another thing, if you are of a certain race, you are not encouraged to poke fun at anything not pertaining to your race. So, if we are trying to create a more diverse and unified world, why are we putting so many walls between us? It is amazing the power that laughter holds. It brings people together. Many people say its wrong to point out the flaws of others. Well, if we show them their flaws they can change and become better than they are now. And its way less severe than pointing them out in a crowd. Now, to point out the idiosyncrasies of certain things is fine as long as your heart is in the right place. Because even the things created to do the most good can be used for evil motives. So make somebody laugh. You might just make their day.

Natural Tendencies

When people are frightened we in a sense no longer remain completely human. When there is an earthquake, you do not think about your response to that situation. You merely react on instinct. Now does that give in to the possibility that animals are more sophisticated than we know? And we get all upset when we are compared to animals, as if it was some sort of massive insult. I would love to be an osprey. To feel and live but not have to think and worry. To know most of what I need to know at birth. But that is so terrible, right?
People also feel the need to blame things on other people. For instance, many people blame our economic problems on the immigrants who come to this country searching for a better life. Since we do not want to take responsibility for it, it has to be their fault. If we get fat eating fried up heart attacks and baked blood clots, it was the people who made the food who caused our obesity.

Does this make sense to anyone. It shouldn't and if it does, so see somebody ASAP. But you cannot blame us for it, its human nature....

Too Little, Too Late

Our economy, is in the toilet. No matter what the government says, its a sad and unhappy truth. Now, if anyone is to blame it is ourselves. Our country has been living beyond its means and the day to pay up has finally arrived. The car companies are hemorrhaging money and they are being saved by the government. Now, it is logical to try and preserve the jobs that these businesses create but the heads of these companies are not going to change their ways if they will be picked up every time they mess up. They have also halted the research on new fuel sources so that they can stay friendly with the oil companies. Another group of people annoying me are the unions. With all due respect, SHUT UP! If the workers cost more then the companies cannot have that many workers can they. The money pile is only so big. If you ask for too much, you might get nothing at all. The war has become impossible to end. There is no solution for the regions we are currently involved in. So having soldiers killed to guard our oil interests is quite trivial. It is the hope of many that Obama can save us from this and put us on the right track. Now he might make good progress towards that goal, but its gonna take longer than four or even eight years to clean this mess up. Its also gonna take a Congress that has the guts to displease some people. But all we can do is guess on what will happen next. Maybe some common sense would help.

The First Entry..... How Exciting.....

Well, to warn any who happen to wonder onto this random splattering of thoughts and lack basic understanding of it, I give simple advice. Do not try to understand, just read and pull your own meanings and understands. You may agree or disagree with what I say, but if you feel the need, please write a comment, because feedback is fun but insults are not.